Jake: So I was saying that ever since you left you've been kind of a crappy friend.
Gina: [screaming] Brrrrrawwwwwwoo.
Jake: We're definitely not having this conversation right now.
Gina: No, it's okay. It just hurt for a sec. Come on, let's do it.
Jake: Ugh. All right, fine, what was I saying?
Gina: You were saying that I'm a [groans] Ahh, bad friend. [blowing]
Jake: Right. You're a bad friend. That's what I was saying to you.
Gina: Yeah.
Jake: And just that, you know, you've been really blowing me off for the last few months, and last night you lied to me about being sick. That really sucked.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Amy: Rosa? Are you stuck in there?
Rosa: No, I'm in here by choice.
Amy: Oh, 'cause I hear some banging noises as if someone was struggling to open the door.
Rosa: No. That was the pipes.
Amy: Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help? You know, you can't spell "independent" without "dependent."
Rosa: And you can't spell "Go [bleep] yourself" without "[bleep] you."

Gina: Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay. Timothée Chalamet, shimmy-yah, shimmy-yay.
Jake: Gina?
Gina: Sorry, I'm doing my vocal warm-up.

Charles: Nikolaj had a half-day at school for Mariano Rivera's birthday. I'm watching him on my lunch break. Nikolaj, say "hi" to Captain Holt.
Nikolaj: Hi, Captain Holt! How's Mr. Kevin?
Captain Holt: Stressed. His annual budget review is today, and a recent change in federal policy means his grant situation is tenuous. At best.
Nikolaj: Okay.