Sergeant Jeffords: Have you ever thought about going with your non-work interests? On my first date with my wife, all we did was talk about our mutual love of Meat Loaf. The singer, not the food.
Jake: Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Rosa: Hey, you should run. Going to meetings, writing stuff down. You love that nerd stuff.
Amy: Writing stuff down is nerdy? What do you do?
Rosa: I just forget stuff like a cool person.

Sophia: Well, I didn't wanna intimidate you.
Jake: Intimidate? Wow. Okay, well, not to burst your bubble, but I'm only intimidated by professions that have a moral compass, like police officer.
Sophia: So you're intimidated by your own job?
Jake: Oh, look at me. I'm a lawyer. I'm so good at word-using-itude.

Jake: It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.