Jake: Our objective is clear. Our parents will laugh, they will bond, and then when the time is right, our fathers will share a hug good-bye and it will be weird, but in the good way.
Amy: Oh, my God. What is that photo?
Jake: I did an image search for dad's hugging. I didn't have a lot of time to put this board together.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Kevin: [sighs] Because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs. The two of us driving in silence, looking at the barren trees. It's perfect. I I didn't wanna lose that.

Roger Peralta: Hey, everyone, I'm sorry for not being "dressed." I didn't think you guys were gonna be so early.
Victor Santiago: We arrived at the agreed upon time.
Roger Peralta: Right. So, like, super early.

Amy: Mrs. Peralta, I love this new ceramic that you painted. You know, my mom paints as well.
Karen Peralta: Really?
Camila Santiago: Yes. I paint on canvases though.
Jake: Oh. And that's different?
Karen Peralta: Very.
Camila Santiago: Completely.
Karen Peralta: I just always found canvas to be too restricting. For me with bowls and vases and furniture, the world is my canvas.
Camila Santiago: Yes, and for me, with canvas, the canvas is my canvas.
Jake: She said "canvas" so much.