Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Rosa: By the way, I'm sorry that I didn't win you that stroller.
Amy: No, no, no, you were right. I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.
Rosa: It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it because I already bought you a stroller for your shower this weekend, and it's just... isn't as fancy, and I felt bad.
Amy: Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.
Rosa: It's a Luftroller.
Amy: [pause] Oh, that is... That is a great stroller.
Rosa: I got you a gift receipt.
Amy: Thank you so much.

Captain Holt: My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!
It's the one case I can't solve.
Don't fight with family.
It can all go away so quickly.
Sign this?

Charles: Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds?
Jake: Because they're so easy to grab, they're just begging to be pulled.
Charles: Because they like the girls and that's the only way they know how to get their attention.
Jake: What are you saying?
Charles: All of this teasing. This elaborate date. Somewhere deep down, you like Amy. Like like her like her.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Jake: Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?
Captain Holt: Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
Jake: Huh.

Jake: Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank, and I should know. You probably won't believe this, but I was bullied in high school for being too handsome.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't believe you.
Jake: You're right. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.

Amy: Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.
Vin Stermley: That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"
Jake: Oh, what?
Amy: He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago". He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.
Jake: I doubt that's even possible.
Vin Stermley: Eat a jerk, pal.
Jake: What, no one's ever said that phrase.

Captain Holt: You've been played, Bob. It was all a ruse. You don't work with Jake Peralta for three years without knowing what the "Funky Cold Medina" is.
Jake: Aw, hell yeah. I asked the guy, "Why you so fly?"
Captain Holt: He said, "Funky Cold Medina".
Both: Funky Cold Medina.
Jake: Zero rehearsal.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama. Once, I used an exclamation point in a email. You called me Diana Ross.
Captain Holt: I assure you, in this case, I do not exaggerate.

Rosa: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Captain Holt: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Caleb: Oh, hey, guys, what's up? You want to join our a cappella jam circle?
Jake: Oh, no.
Caleb: Are you guys Harry Potter fans?
Jake: I do not like where this is going.
Caleb: Three, four.
Singer: Won't you come visit Hogwarts? I'll be alone, dancing in Gryffindor Harry is the best at the spells And as for potions, Hermione does well-
Jake: This is actually pretty funny. You got to know Harry Potter.

Captain Holt: Oh, if I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza. This is your doing, you and your male prostitute.
Jake: Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.

Captain Holt: Why did you stop me? I was making progress.
Charles: I know, sir. But I have to say something. I love the Nine-Nine. And the main reason why is you.
Captain Holt: Not Jake?
Charles: Yes, clearly, it's mostly Jake. But it's also you and the standard that you've set for us with your unwavering morals. I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.
Captain Holt: Well, thank you, Boyle. You're right. No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.
Charles: I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you.
Captain Holt: That was incredibly inappropriate.
Charles: I know, but I had thought of it and I was so proud, I just had to say it out loud.
Captain Holt: Let's just go.
Charles: Great.