Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Jake: And my new partner, a tarantula. I call him Jake Junior, a.k.a. Spidey Klum, a.k.a Mrs. Doubtspider, a.k.a. Joe Spiden, a.k.a. Tarantula Basset, a.k.a. Spi-Dermot Mulroney.
Charles: A.k.a. Tarantulina Jolie.
Jake: What? No. Charles, have you seen the spider? That's a terrible name.

Rosa: By the way, I'm sorry that I didn't win you that stroller.
Amy: No, no, no, you were right. I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.
Rosa: It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it because I already bought you a stroller for your shower this weekend, and it's just... isn't as fancy, and I felt bad.
Amy: Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.
Rosa: It's a Luftroller.
Amy: [pause] Oh, that is... That is a great stroller.
Rosa: I got you a gift receipt.
Amy: Thank you so much.

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Captain Holt: Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
Jake: Well, you don't have to.
Rosa: No, I'm gonna.

Jake: Amy's just upset because the historically entrenched patriarchy has created a culture of victim-shaming that suppresses any power shift in our masculo-phallic system.
Amy: Huh?
Jake: I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a documentary on Netflix about feminism.
Amy: I love you.

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Captain Holt: Why did you stop me? I was making progress.
Charles: I know, sir. But I have to say something. I love the Nine-Nine. And the main reason why is you.
Captain Holt: Not Jake?
Charles: Yes, clearly, it's mostly Jake. But it's also you and the standard that you've set for us with your unwavering morals. I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.
Captain Holt: Well, thank you, Boyle. You're right. No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.
Charles: I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you.
Captain Holt: That was incredibly inappropriate.
Charles: I know, but I had thought of it and I was so proud, I just had to say it out loud.
Captain Holt: Let's just go.
Charles: Great.

Amy: Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.
Vin Stermley: That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"
Jake: Oh, what?
Amy: He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago". He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.
Jake: I doubt that's even possible.
Vin Stermley: Eat a jerk, pal.
Jake: What, no one's ever said that phrase.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Jake: Where did I put them? Let's see. I had them in my left hand, and then I went to open the trunk, so I switched to my right hand. Oh, but then I had to sneeze, and I thought, "I don't want to sneeze on these keys." Dr. Seuss. Not really, but should be. "Do not sneeze on my keys. Do not wheeze on my keys. Do not sneeze on your knees on my keys, if you please."
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, could you please move along on this thought journey?
Jake: Yeah, right, sorry. Okay, so then I put them on top of a plastic tub, which is locked inside the car. The keys are locked inside the car!
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!